


Asleep

by cofstars



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Brotherly Love, Coma, Gen, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-02-03 10:58:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 14,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12746961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cofstars/pseuds/cofstars
Summary: When Saeran says something that crosses the line, Saeyoung gets upset and leaves the house.Later, he's found with a serious head injury and is found to be in a coma once brought to a doctor.How will Saeran and the other RFA members cope?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, all! Today, I've decided to start a fanfiction for Mystic Messenger that I'll hopefully finish from start to finish, but I won't make any promises. Anyways, I won't ramble for too long, so here's the first chapter!!

It was a winter day, quickly nearing nightfall. Saeyoung sat on one of the large living room couches, one arm rested on the end it's armrest.  
Saeran sat on the smaller couch on the other end of the coffee table. A bowl of ice cream was sitting between the pale fingers of one hand, a spoon in the other. His hand was closed tightly around it. He ignored Saeyoung without sparing him a glance, having only sought after the delicious dessert when he came downstairs. The younger twin rarely left his room, preferring to keep the door locked and enjoy the silence.  
Saeyoung tilted his head slightly, shifting his golden eyes to focus on his twin. "Hey, Saeran! You owe me a hug since I bought you a tub of icecream~" he cheered, grinning, a slight mischevious twinkle in his eyes.  
"I don't 'owe' you anything." The younger of the two spoke bluntly, shooting a glare at Saeyoung. "I don't want to hug you, ever, idiot. Gross." He shuddered to give his words a more dramatic effect, putting emphasis on 'ever.' He shoveled a spoonful of the ice cream into his mouth.  
Saeyoung frowned in response, lightly pouting. "That's mean...I've hugged you many times before–"  
"And I hated it. I told you to get off of me, but you never listen." Saeran snapped, cutting him off.  
"What about when we were kids–"  
"That was in the past." He hissed, glaring directly at Saeyoung before eating another spoonful of his icecream. "I'm different now. I do not like you. At all."  
The elder twin glanced down at his hands, of which were resting on his lap. He looked past them, at his feet and at the surrounding floor. "I'm sorry that you feel that way." He said in a soft tone of voice, his vermillion bangs covering his eyes. Saeran's words stung, more so than they usually did.   
'Probably because you know it's true.' he thought, a pitiful expression on his face. His eyes shined with unshed tears.  
"Are you about to cry? How pathetic." Saeran insulted, rolling his eyes. "If you can't take a few words, how do you expect to ever be useful? Do you want to stay useless?" He asked rhetorically, shaking his head and sighing. He continued eating his icecream.  
"I'm not..." He denied, shaking his head lightly. "I'm fine..." His red bangs moved slightly as his head shook back and forth. His hands slightly gripped his jeans as he bit his lip so he wouldn't make an accidental sound.  
"Oh? Alright then, whatever you say, 'dearest' brother." He said, a large amount of sarcasm behind what he said.  
Saeyoung sighed, keeping his head down, his eyes glued to the floor as he stood up. He didn't say another word, shuffling towards the door. He was honestly hurt, not faking it as he sometimes did for dramatic effect. He wondered if Saeran could even tell the difference, and if he did, if he cared.  
It was obvious that he didn't. Otherwise he'd show some remorse, or put effort into an apology. Instead, however, he mocked him.   
"I'm going out," was the next and final words that left Saeyoung's lips, before his brown shoes made a move towards the door.   
Saeran, once more, didn't look up at him again, his attention on the icecream in front of him, rather than Saeyoung's emotional state. He hardly noticed the change in his elder twin's mood, not giving it a second thought.  
Saeyoung raised his hand up to the door's knob, slowly curling his fingers around it and pulling it open. The cold air instantly made contact with his face, leaving him gasping for air momentarily due to the sudden rush of chill wind. He pulled on his jacket, zipping it up in one smooth movement before pulling his hood over his head and closing the door. It clicked shut and he fished his keys from his front pocket. He locked the door, like he'd done hundreds of times before, and took a step forward into the night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello everyone! I'm back with chapter 2, which will be much more interesting...I hope the length is okay and that you enjoy it!

The white ground surrounded Saeyoung. Each flake of snow looked like a twinkling star under the now moonlit sky. The older Choi's head was down, hanging low. His eyes didn't look up, staying glued to the area in which his footsteps trod. A deep frown was set on his lips, his golden eyes glossy with mostly unshed tears.

_"I'm different now. I do not like you. At all."_

_"Are you about to cry? How pathetic."_

Saeran's words had hurt him. His thoughts were plagued with them. Did his twin hate him, maybe? Did he really mean what he had said? Did he really not like him, not even a little? Saeyoung tried so hard, each and every day that passed, to make up for the sins he had committed, for the cruelty he had passed down to his brother, though accidentally. If he had not ruined his childhood, maybe Saeran wouldn't hate him. If he hadn't abandoned him, if he hadn't ruined everything...

A tear slithered down his cheek, slowly creeping down before falling onto the snow below. The small spot of snow melted slightly, clumping together. His shoes crunched on the twinkling substance with each step forward that he made.

 _You ruined everything. You don't deserve sympathy. You don't deserve love or friendship or a brother at all. You're the scum of the Earth, of course he hates you. You ruined his life, Saeyoung! You traumatized him forever by leaving him behind._ His thoughts were loud, consuming his every being, every conscious movement, every thought.  _You deserve to **die.**_

His brown shoes continued to carry him forward, even if his mind wanted him to fall over and freeze to death.  _Put me out of my misery. Wait, no, I deserve to suffer until the day I truly die._

Smack!

A branch came down and slapped him directly on the forehead. Slowly, he drew his head upward along with his gaze, to the mass of trees in front of him. They were each empty of leaves, the ones of which had fallen and were now covered with glistening snow. The occasional evergreen was spread throughout the maze of brown branches that curled about each other, intertwining. His raised his left hand, running the long fingers through his red locks of hair, messily splayed across his head. He ignored the light stinging pain, knowing that it didn't compare to the emotional pain that hung on his heart constantly, worsened by what had been said to him.

His yellow eyes moved across the scenery, before drawing up to the sky above. It was a dark blue, gently brightened by the stars. The moon was full, a glow spreading out from it. His lips curled up slightly at the spectacular sight, one of which was rarely seen when near the city lights. The arrival at the forest made them all the more noticeable, and for a brief moment, he wondered how long he'd been gone. His aimless wandering could have lasted for hours as he dwelled on the events of earlier that night, before the sky had darkened.  _I must've been walking for a long period of time, since the stars are fully visible_ , he concluded.  _Besides, there isn't a forest anywhere near our home. I suppose I'm "lucky" that I wasn't hit by a car on the way._ He laughed darkly, shaking his head in disbelief.  _How unfortunate._

His fingers tightened into his palm as he ripped his gaze from the night sky, hanging above. His eyes searched for a large tree to sit on, so that the long branches wouldn't obstruct his vision.  _Saeran and I used to stargaze as kids...Maybe I can do that one last time, even if he isn't here, since I doubt he will ever want to...Maybe, I'll never return home. I don't want to burden him with my presence, if he truly dislikes me that much._ He swallowed dryly, feeling the tears collecting in his eyes and blurring the vision he had, despite the yellow and brown striped frames that were set gently on his nose. His chest felt tight in a way that was deeply painful.  _But...If I'm going to leave...can't I see him one last time? Tell him that I love him and will continue to do so even if he hates me?_

The male shook his head, stepping up to a broad tree, one that was likely ages old. He placed one palm on a branch, slender fingers curling around it. The same was done with his other hand, before he pulled himself upwards, climbing the tree until he reached the peak of it. He lifted himself onto one of the highest, sturdiest branches after testing it to make sure it wouldn't snap underneath his weight. Taking a deep breath, the redhead moved his gaze to the sky once more, feeling the cool breeze swiftly moving through his hair, clinging at his clothing and rustling it. He nestled his back onto the trunk behind himself, slowly relaxing his body.

His heart jumped up to his throat, a feeling of paralyzing fear forming deep in his gut, coursing through the blood in his veins and sending adrenaline all throughout. He was falling. The wind shot through his body, spreading his clothes out and rapidly moving his curled bangs against his forehead. The air couldn't reach his lungs, he couldn't catch his breath.

His head slammed against a few branches, knocking what was left of the oxygen out of his lungs. Scrapes and scratches formed on his body, mainly collecting on the areas of his head.

The world lapsed into darkness as he finally, after what felt like minutes, reached the ground. A sickening crack sounded as his skull, covered with skin, hit first. His limbs followed, his body limp on the freezing snow around him. All consciousness had been lost, and some of the snow was darkened with crimson blood around his head. He didn't move to get up, didn't move at all, for he was no longer aware of anything. Not of the pain, both physical and emotional, nor the freezing temperature seeping through his jacket and jeans.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran finds Saeyoung in the forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry that this chapter took so long to arrive! I've been busy with things but I will try my best to at least upload bi-weekly. Thank you for your patience and I hope that you all enjoy this chapter of "Asleep."**
> 
> **Warning: This chapter and the ones onward may very well get dark and be potentially triggering to those who suffer from suicidal thoughts, and are just generally uncomfortable with the darker subject matter. Reader discretion is advised. However, if any, only hints at it will be made.**

It had been a few hours since Saeyoung had left his and Saeran's shared home. The younger twin paced the living room rapidly, back and forth, wall to wall. He chewed on his bottom lip, glancing over at the clock every few seconds impatiently.

_9:01. 9:01. 9:02. Still 9:02. Saeyoung, where the hell are you?!_ The redhead thought to himself, growing more frustrated with each minute that passed.  _It has been three hours already, just walk through the damn door!_  He wouldn't admit it, of course, but he was worried about the idiot that was his twin. Still sending glances towards the clock, he ran through the possibilities of where the other had gone.

_Yoosung's house, or maybe another RFA member's? Possibly. The store? Maybe. Just on a walk? Also plausible. Wouldn't he at least call me to let me know?_ Saeran wondered if perhaps his words were too harsh, too cold.  _I doubt it._ He refused to agree to that. He knew that his words were harmful, that when he snapped at his cherished older brother, that it hurt him. He knew that he shouldn't be so cruel to him, but it was his natural response. He pushed people away, allowed them to believe that he truly and wholeheartedly despised everyone around himself. If he allowed anyone to get close to him, he risked being hurt, and most importantly, risked abandonment once again. If nobody was close to him, it wouldn't matter if they left him behind in the dirt. Their actions and words couldn't hurt him if they didn't matter to him.

That was a lie. Pushing people away couldn't get rid of the fact that he did care about his brother, that he would be hurt if he were abandoned, and that Saeyoung definitely could hurt him if he so chose to. He likely wouldn't care if the RFA chose to hate him, to abandon him. He didn't allow himself to become familiar with them, to become anything at all similar to friends. They didn't seem to mind that much, either. Saeran was just Saeyoung's younger twin who once tried to kill them all. His life was meaningless to everyone except Saeyoung, though he believed that his brother should feel that same way. Thankfully, he didn't.

Otherwise, Saeran may very well be dead or close to it. Why try if nobody at all cared? Why live?

He shook those thoughts away. They didn't matter now, what mattered was Saeyoung. He'd tried countless times already to call the elder's phone, but it always went to voicemail, only fueling Saeran's deep concern for the fate his brother may have met. Perhaps he was overreacting, but he couldn't shake the bad feeling that had settled deep in his stomach.

Pulling on his old black jacket, he finally decided to look for Saeyoung. His feet carried him over to the front door without a second thought, his mint colored eyes already scanning his surroundings the moment he stepped out into the chill air. A breath left his lips, leaving a cloud of gray on the air in front of him for a few moments. Almost immediately, he noticed the footprints pressed into the white sheet of snow on the ground in front of him.  _Saeyoung's._ He thought, turning his body so that he could follow the trail.

Looking ahead towards the horizon, he couldn't see the end of the tracks in sight.  _They must lead somewhere far._ He decided, continuing his following them without hesitation. Trees littered the far horizon, but immediately in front of him were buildings and residential homes, as expected in a city.

It seemed like several hours until he finally found the end of the footprints. During his walk, his mind was whipped into waves of panic and concern, his head spinning. The worry made him feel sick and nauseated, lightheaded as if he'd fall over at any moment. The walk was only about half an hour, leaving him around a mile and a half away from their home.

Mint irises landed on the sight in front of him. A body, lying limp on the snow-covered ground, just a few feet in front of his shoes. Crimson color painted the moonlit, shimmering snow around the head of the person, Vermillion strands of hair were splayed gently across the snow, messily, like a child's when taking a nap. With a closer look, some of the strands on one side of his head were crusted with drying blood. Four limbs, both arms, and legs, were spread about Saeyoung's torso in a limp heap that appeared to be nothing but lifeless. Golden and grayish brown striped glasses framed the elder twin's face, crooked with a crack running down the left lens.

Unconsciously, Saeran's pale, slender hand shot forward, reaching out for the man that was instantaneously recognized as his brother once his eyes locked on the scene before him. Mint eyes widened, feet springing off of the ground in search of reaching Saeyoung. They did, only a second later, with immense speed, just barely managing to stop in front of the human form. He kneeled down, hands shaking as the left one grabbed Saeyoung's hand.  _Still warm. He's not dead. He can't be._ His thoughts were quick, running through his head at speeds propelled by the adrenaline running through his veins. Sucking in a sharp breath, he leaned his ear down to the elder's chest, just above his heart. His bangs brushed against the cloth of the red shirt Saeyoung wore. He heard the familiar thumping rhythm of a heartbeat and immediately sighed, relief overwhelming him. The heartbeat was slow, like someone who was deeply asleep, not someone who was dying.  _But he will be if his head keeps bleeding like this._ He reached for his own jacket, ripping it off of himself. The biting cold nipped his skin, stinging. Ignoring it, he slid a hand underneath his brother's head, lifting it up and carefully wrapping the jacket around it tightly, hoping to stop the bleeding.

The full realization of the situation hadn't hit him just yet, only that he needed to save Saeyoung quickly. Those were the only thoughts running through his head. Nothing else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N: I hope that this chapter satisfies you all! The next chapter will most likely be very angsty, so prepare yourselves.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ambulance is called.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello everyone! Today, I’ve returned with another chapter of “Asleep.“ Again, I’m aiming to upload at least biweekly but possibly weekly, so please be patient with me! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. His chapter is a bit short...

Saeyoung was still lying limp in the snow covered ground in front of his brother. The bite of the cold still stung his cheeks, as did it likely sting Saeyoung’s, though the elder wouldn’t be able to feel it in his unconscious state. The piece of cloth was still tightly wrapped around his head, strands of vermilion poking out from it.   
Saeran was kneeling in the white fluffy sheet of snow, stars painting the sky above like bits of sugar. His mint colored eyes were still wide with panic, his breaths somewhat quick due to his frantic anxiousness. Darting around, he searched for something else he could do to help his twin, when his phone buzzed. Thankfully, he had signal, or else he’d had forgotten that he even had his phone.   
Reading for his pocket, he clumsily grabbed the phone in his clammy right hand. Slender fingers quickly typed only three digits: 911.   
Ring, ring… ring, ring..! The phone rang a few times before someone on he other end picked up the receiver.  
His breaths became a bit quicker as the person spoke. He was still terrible with people, with phone calls, and with social situations in general. They only made him feel anxious. “911, what is your emergency?” A cool, monotonous voice spoke.   
Swallowing dryly, he took a moment to respond. His voice was shaky, quiet, with stuttering mixed in. “I-I—um.. My brother, Saeyoung—his head w-was bleeding—he won’t wake u-up. I can’t w-wake Saeyoung u-up…” he tried to explain as best as he could, but he could hardly formulate a proper sentence. His speech was all over he place. “It’s c-cold—we’re in the cold. He won’t wake up… p-please help—” his voice stopped at the end of that word, cutting itself off.   
“Please stay calm, sir.” The woman responded. He sucked in a breath of air after what felt like minutes, despite being only seconds. “Tell me: where are you located?”  
His eyes widened a bit more. Where was he? He couldn’t remember what street that the forest had led off from. “I.. Uh.. There’s a forest near my house.. I-I’m not sure where… it’s about a mile into the he forest. O-Our address is... So, n-not far from there—probably…”  
“Alright sir, stay where you are. We’ll send someone right over.” Click. The woman had hung up he phone. The younger twin’s shoulders sunk further down, his knees pressing into the cold snow as he let his kneeling position cease. He didn’t care about the water seeping through his jeans, nor the below freezing temperature that bit his skin, even through the clothing he wore. The only thought on his mind was that he dearly hoped they’d come fast enough to save his brother. He couldn’t help but assume he’d die otherwise, despite having little knowledge on the situation. His brother had a severe head wound, was unresponsive, and in freezing temperatures. What other assumption could he make? That his brother was completely fine? No. That was undoubtedly not the case.   
He remained seated on the ground, staring at his unconscious brother as flakes of white pouted down around him. He paid them no mind, waiting as he felt like he might lose his mind from the worries, concerns, and anxieties that filled his brain.   
What if he dies? It’d be my fault. What if I lose the only one who ever cared for me? What if he’s already dead? Let me check. Do I even deserve to touch him? No, but I have to know. His pale hand reached out, gently touching two fingers to Saeyoung’s neck. He could still feel his pulse and sighed with relief, his fingers staying on that spot as he continued waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

After ten long minutes, he heard sirens in the distance. Within a minute, the ambulance pulled up beside the tall trees. A few paramedics flooded out of he vehicle with a stretcher. He only grew more anxious, feeling as if they were taking his brother away for good rather than trying to save him. Before he could react, however, he blinked and saw his twin already settled in the back of the ambulance. He was, unsurprisingly, still unconscious.  
“Come, you are his family, are you not?” One of the paramedics asked him, a questioning look on his face. Saeran only nodded, biting his lip and following the man over to the ambulance. He hoisted himself up into the back area, sitting down in the corner, his back against the cold metal.   
He felt the vehicle start moving again after they had shut the door. The three paramedics were swiftly at work, appearing to be checking Saeyoung’s vitals.   
“Sir, his vitals appear to be stable. We’ll be arriving at the hospital in a few minutes. Please stay calm and remain seated.” A female paramedic spoke to him. His expression remained blank, staring silently. Trapped in his thoughts, he didn’t respond as the vehicle drove to the hospital.   
  



	5. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi everyone, sorry it took longer than two weeks for this chapter. I have been busy with the holidays. Anyways, I really hope you all enjoy this chapter!

 

The ambulance pulled into the large garage, built on the side of the white walls of the hospital. The few paramedics that were looking after Saeyoung rushed out of the ambulance with him on a stretcher not even a second after the back of the ambulance was opened.

Saeran followed them, his pace quick behind the paramedics in front of him. Normally, he’d avoid doing anything that would make him noticeable, but that didn’t matter when his brother could be dead by the end of the day. That didn’t matter, because only his brother mattered to him. Sure, he knew people in the RFA, but they weren’t his family. They didn’t know the real him.

They probably despised him in secret, only tolerating his hateful attitude, angry outbursts, cruel words, and past actions because he was Saeyoung’s brother. That’s all he was. Saeyoung’s brother. His identity, his entire purpose and existence was just that.

As sad as it sounded, he didn’t mind it so much. He wouldn’t admit it, but Saeyoung was a good brother. He’d made mistakes, but was only human. Even if he still held resentment in his heart, it wasn’t pointed towards Saeyoung any longer, but rather his mother, and Rika, his supposed savior. Those were the people he’d never forgive. He didn’t hate the RFA, as long as they didn’t hurt or steal his brother from him, he didn’t care. He did not hate Saeyoung, but instead, he deeply cared for him.

“I’m horrible for always taking my anger out on the RFA, but especially Saeyoung…” he said under his breath, tears held back and stinging his eyes.

_I am the worst. Why does he put up with me? This is probably my fault… maybe he jumped off of the tree on purpose. Was I just blind? Did I not see he was hurting…? No, I just ignored it. I pretended it wasn’t there because I thought it was more important to keep being cold and cruel to everyone, pushing then away. Why do I push away my only brother, my only family? The one person I care about… what if he dies? I’ll never be able to apologize… I’ll never be able to tell him that I do care and that I love him with all of my heart and soul. Even if I am damaged, I love Saeyoung. I have a hard time expressing it… and trusting him sometimes. I say the most horrible, malicious things to him, but I don’t have an ill intent. I’m sorry, Saeyoung. Forgive me…_

The male cut his thoughts off when they stopped at the emergency ward. Saeyoung was lifted onto the hospital bed and the paramedics began hooking him up to machines. His vitals were checked once more, and were monitored once the machines were hooked up.

Saeran just watched in painstaking silence, hoping with all of his being that his brother would survive and wake up tomorrow, laughing and cracking jokes as usual, or even tonight or in an hour. What would he do if he lost his elder twin? He’d have nobody, no purpose, no role, no life. There’d be no reason for him to go on in this life.

_But… Saeyoung would probably want me to live, wouldn’t he..? He wouldn’t want me to die. As much as my soul would be broken without him, he’d be watching with hope for me, waiting for the day I’d done happiness without him. That’s how Saeyoung is, that idiot._

He shook his head, sighing softly as the doctors cleaned his head wound and tied a bandage around Saeyoung’s head. His black jacket had been cast to the side, stained with his twin’s blood. He turned his gaze away from that sight.

“Sir, are you alright? You were in the cold without your jacket. Do you feel confused or anything? Your skin doesn’t look discolored, but if you feel anything odd we need to know, just in case you’re suffering from hypothermia.” One of the doctors spoke up, glancing over at the younger Choi. His only response was a small shake of the head as he anxiously chewed on his bottom lip. The doctor shrugged and turned her attention back to the man at hand, his brother.

He noticed a few of the doctors speaking in a quiet tone to each other, just above a whisper. He couldn’t make out much from across the brightly lit room, so he really don’t know what was being said.

Several minutes passed before a doctor approached him again, all the while anxious and depressing RJ thoughts plagued his mind, distracting him from the reality and truth of the situation. His brother wasn’t dead, didn’t even show signs of it, but that’s all Saeran could think of.

“Sir, your brother doesn’t appear to have any injuries other than the head injury and some minor scrapes and bruises. There are no broken bones, miraculously. There is most likely severe brain damage, although we’ll need permission from you to do a brain scan to make sure. Considering his current state, it is likely that he has entered into a coma. The time until he may wake up could range from a few days to a few months or longer. However, ultimately, your brother may never wake up. I know that must be hard to hear, sir.”

The younger redhead hardly had time to process that information before he felt a tear slip down his cheek. “He might not… e-ever wake up..?” he repeated, mint eyes wide with a horror one should never have to feel. The doctor only nodded, leaving him alone and walking back over to the other doctors.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Cliffhanger because I’m rude.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Here we go, continuing the story from where I left off!!  
Unshed tears welled up in the younger twin’s eyes as the weight of the situation settled on his shoulders. His thin legs gave out from underneath him, as if they were simple twigs with no real strength to hold him up. On his knees, a strangled sob came from his throat.   
Sure, his brother wasn’t dead, but was a possibility of never waking up, at least for a long time, much better? Hardly.  
Using his brother’s leftover funds from his hacking job, he could only sustain him using life support for a few months at best. After that, if he couldn’t motivate himself into making some money of his own through hacking, he’d have no choice but… to let his brother die.   
Saeran couldn’t allow that. Sobs wracked his fragile body as the horrible thoughts of his brother’s possible end plagued his mind.   
It’s my fault. I did this. What if he jumped off of the tree in purpose because he bought I hated him? Even if it was an accident, it was my fault… I should not have pushed him away in the first place. I shouldn’t have been so cruel.. It’s all because of me.   
All the male could feel was pure anguish and grief, hurt and sorrow. On top of that, he felt angry towards himself and his actions. An overwhelming feeling of pain seemed to suffocate him, closing off the airway to his lungs partially. His breaths he did tale were quickening by the second.   
A voice spoke, breaking him from the trap that was his thoughts. “Sir, have you made your decision? May we continue with the brain scan procedure? If so, please sign here.” A clipboard was held out in front of him, a pen in the other for the younger Choi to take.   
He nodded slowly, reaching his shaking pale hands to take the two items. Trembling, he signed his name on the sheet, not bothering to read over the document since he already had a general idea of what it said. Fingers still shaking, Saeran handed the Doctor the clipboard and ink pen once more.   
“Thank you for cooperating, sir, we’lll begin the procedure immediately. Please step outside. “   
• • •  
Minutes ticked by, feeling like hours for Saeran. He watched he clock intensely from the waiting room chair hoping that they’d find something else out and that his brother would be completely fine. Once a doctor finally stepped into the waiting room, he was ushered inside of the emergency room once again.   
Unfortunately, his brother was still unconscious, as he could see RJ e limp body still lying motionless on the bed.   
“Alright, Sir, after performing the brain scan, we have found that there is no real brain activity, confirming our suspicions that he is comatose. This means he will need to be put on life support to survive. Also, it was revealed that he suffered severe brain damage on one side of his brain, as we feared. If and when he does wake up, this could lead to a number of lifelong side effects, but some recovery may be possible depending on what these side effects are. However, we don’t know anything about his side effects yet, so we will just have to wait and see when he does wake up, if he does. That is all, sir.” The doctor explained it all in a professional tone, not pausing once, with the exception of when he needed a breath of air.   
Saeran gulped and nodded. He already knew his, but he hasn’t stopped crying even once.   
God, I’m so pathetic. Crying like a baby. I don’t deserve anything. Except for this pain, I do deserve it. 

“Please put him on l-life support. I’ll p-pay for it… “ he said, wiping his eyes and glancing over at his brother with a sad expression. The doctor nodded and started speaking with the doctors, presumably to make arrangements for it to happen.  
“Saeyoung, please wake up soon… “ he whispered, not to anyone particular.   
“I need you.”

A/N: So, I feel like this chapter was really bad, too short, and nothing much happened, but I hope you all enjoyed it anyways!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeyoung is put on life support meanwhile Saeran contacts the rest of the RFA.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi everyone! I apologize for the late chapter, once again. I've been feeling pretty unmotivated, I apologize. I apologize if anybody is out of character in this chapter as well...

"Alright, sir, we'll need to go ahead and put him on life support. Please wait outside." One of the doctors spoke to the younger redhead. With a silent, teary eyed nod, he turned on his toes and walked towards the room's door. He exited, the door closing behind him with a quiet click. Raising his arm to his eyes, he wiped his tears on his pale skin, his dirtied jacket disposed of by the doctors since it was encrusted with his twin's blood. He had put it around Saeyoung's bleeding head, after all.

_At least I can say I was helpful in some way to you, Saeyoung. It's really just a lie to make myself feel better, though I don't deserve that happiness. I'm just a useless asshole. I did this to you. Helpful, my ass, I'm the one who caused it._ Saeran's thoughts were the only thing he was aware of as he mechanically lowered himself onto one of the waiting room chairs. _I really despise myself. I don't deserve life, but since I am forced to be here in this world, I might as well suffer through it to the end._ He chuckled darkly, a blank stare steadied on the tile by his left foot.

"Sir, are you alright?" A woman's voice broke through his thoughts as he shook his head slightly to shed them from his mind. He looked over at the brunette who was sitting beside him. She had a calm look on her face, but an underlying panic and sorrow in her eyes shined through. Saeran simply stifled a nod, closing his eyes and deeply sighing, biting his lip. The woman nodded, returning her stare to the clock with its seconds ticking by slowly.

_I should probably let the rest of the RFA know...they care about him too._ The mint eyed male thought, one shaky, fragile hand reaching for his phone in his pocket. He slowly typed in the pin code, taking a deep breath before swiping over to the RFA application. Conveniently, everyone was online, apparently worrying about them both for their inactivity that day. Only then did he notice the large amount of missed calls he had and that the time read as 1:08 AM.

Evidently, Saeyoung was supposed to have been going to Yoosung's house to fix the younger male's computer, but that had quickly spiraled all of the member's into a panic after he didn't show up, nor answer his calls. And they'd finally resorted to calling Saeran a bit ago, but he'd been too out of it to ever notice his phone buzzing in his pocket. He wouldn't have answered even if he had. He already got anxious around people and on phone calls as it was, he didn't want to do it unless he had to, like calling the ambulance. When he was a mess of a person like he had been for the last few hours, he wouldn't even be capable of it.

Finally, he clicked the enter button on the Chatroom and with shaky hands, began to type with a serious demeanor masking his real emotions.

[Saeran has entered the Chatroom]

Saeran: Hello everyone...I'm here and...I have something important to tell you all. Please listen to me and I'm sorry about not answering any calls or texts.

Yoosung: We've been worried sick! T_T

Jaehee: You should have said something earlier if you were able to;;

Jumin: Is Luciel alright?

Zen: Maybe he just got caught up playing with one of those stupid cats.

Yoosung: He still would have answered his calls and texts!

Jumin: His phone could have died, correct?

Jaehee: Guys, calm down. We already had our discussion about this. Just listen to Saeran and we'll have our answers...;;

Saeran: ...

Saeran: Saeyoung is in a coma. They're putting him on life support at the XXXXXX hospital right now.

Saeran: Visiting hours are over, obviously, with the exception for family members...So, please come visit him tomorrow morning.

Saeran: I think..he would appreciate someone other than his asshole of a brother visiting him if he were awake.

Yoosung: ...

Jumin: That's...unfortunate.

Jaehee: ...

Jaehee: How did this happen, if I may ask...?

Saeran: I...

Yoosung: Oh my God...its my fault...

Zen: Yoosung, I doubt its your fault...;;

Jaehee: Everyone, please stay calm...I know this is hard to take in...but let Saeran explain.

Saeran: Actually, its my fault...

Saeran: I hurt him and he left the house, fell out of a tree and hit his head...I found him and called the ambulance.

Saeran: Its my fault...I'm so sorry.

[Saeran has left the Chatroom]

The male's hands were shaking much more, his vision blurred with tears as he closed out the Chatroom before he could see their reactions or start panicking about them further. A panic attack really didn't sound pleasant at all. _They're all going to hate me, aren't they...? They probably already hate me for my past, anyways. Nobody in this world can truly forgive me...I don't even believe Saeyoung could. I mean, I'm literally a murderer..._

Saeran dwelled on his thoughts for the next two hours before a doctor finally approached him again. "Sir, he's on life support now. You can stay with him since you're his family, but please be careful with the cords and technology." The doctor spoke to him. He stood up slowly, nodding again in response. "Alright, we will bill you monthly until he wakes up and is discharged, or you make the decision to take him off life support. Have a good night, sir." The doctor away after that, not bothering to lead him back to the room.

_"Or you make the decision to take him off life support." God, I hope that I never have to make that decision, Saeyoung..._

He eventually found his way to the room again, stepping through the doorway into the brightly lit room. He didn't like hospitals for personal reasons, but he'd stay here until his brother woke up if he was allowed it.

He sat down on the chair beside Saeyoung's bed, watching him for signs of movement for another hour or so. Eventually, he passed out, slumped over in said chair from exhaustion.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .....

 

The younger redhead stirred slightly as bright sunlight poured through the second story window of the hospital and birds chirped outside, singing a cheerful melody as if a catastrophic event had never struck Saeyoung, his brother, and his close friends.

Saeran growled softly, not even remembering the events of the previous night just yet. It didn't take long for his eyes to open wide as the memories came rushing back to him. He took a shaky breath, raising his head and immediately looking at Saeyoung and studying his face. It didn't appear that he'd moved at all. With a soft sigh, he glanced over at the clock hanging above the bed, ticking away monotonously. _8:57 AM. Visiting hours start soon._ He thought, narrowing his eyes at the window when he noticed the happy chirping coming from outside. _It's like they're mocking my suffering. Ah well, I deserve it, anyways, after all._ He laughed, laced with a dark, self-deprecating tone. He moved one of his pale hands to run a hand through his messy hair, the other reaching and grabbing the elder twin's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as a hope to comfort himself. Who knows, maybe he it would have even woke him up.

Nothing. No movement. No response. Just the rhythmic, never changing pattern of which Saeyoung's chest rose and fell to. Nothing changed. He looked just as he had when he'd walked into the hospital room last night after his brother was put on life support. Eyelids gently closed, expression peaceful, breaths long and slow. Bandages around his head with vermilion hair poking out from underneath, with his body stiff and straight up and down.

He looked towards the door when he heard several pairs of footsteps approaching the door from the right and he yanked his hand away. Just as he did so, the door knob turned and the first person he saw was a familiar blonde, with his hair messier than usual. Yoosung stepped inside, followed by the rest of the RFA: Jaehee, Jumin, and Zen.

"Saeyoung!" Yoosung shouted, followed by a soft gasp as he ran over to the bed, looking down at his comatose best friend. Saeran only watched, silently crossing his arms over his chest in an almost protective manner. Would they blame him? Hate him? What if they just ignored him? What if his presence was completely forgotten all together? Did he want that? He wasn't sure. One part of him wanted to just disappear because of the still intense and growing guilt he felt. Another side of him, the one driven by fear, wanted to speak up, to say something so that he'd not be forgotten. Being forgotten was something he never wanted to happen. What was the point in existence if nobody knew you? How could your life ever have meaning if everyone you knew forgot about you? Exactly, it couldn't. He would be meaningless. His existence would be meaningless. Saeran Choi would be meaningless.

Brought out of his thoughts once more, he blinked a few times, watching what the rest of the RFA did. Yoosung had been the only one to speak so far, the other three just flooding into the room in silence, spreading out slightly after entering. Each of them watched the younger blonde, waiting until it felt right to do or say something. A slight twinkle of sadness was visible in the CEO, Jumin. His lips were pressed into a thin line as his gaze fell to the floor for a minute. Zen looked on with concern in his eyes, glancing at Saeran once or twice as if he were worrying about the both of them. Jaehee shifted her eyes to look at the others for a moment, as if looking to them as a role model in what she should do. In the end, she just crossed her arms and stayed silent. Saeran's gaze shifted back to Yoosung standing next to his older twin.

"I-I'm so sorry, Saeyoung...!" The shorter male cried, looking down at his friends with tears flowing down his face. "I shouldn't have ever even asked for y-you to come over t-to my house...I-I did this to you, I-I'm sorry...!" Those words made Saeran's blood start to boil, but not towards anyone in the room. It awakened his self-hatred towards himself once again.

The redhead gritted his teeth before glaring at Yoosung and snapping at him. "Listen, _idiot,_ this is my fault! It's not yours, not theirs," he gestured to the rest of the RFA while keeping his glare steady and continuing to speak, "And it isn't anybody else's but mine. Don't let me ever hear you fucking blame yourself again because I'm the one who did this!" He shouted, his hands shaking as he stood up, bangs covering his eyes. "D-Did I not explain it to you well enough yesterday? Sorry, I was trying not to fucking fall apart again and stay calm despite the whole fucking world being against me!" he screamed, his voice faltering slightly. "I did this to him, o-okay...?! _I did, I did, I did._ This is my fault. I hurt him. He left because of me...He might've fell on purpose because of me...He could have died and may still die because of my asshole self..." he trailed off, tears blurring his vision as his whole body was shaking and his breaths were quickening.

Thirty seconds passed in complete, suffocating silence. None of the other four moved, as they were shocked. Saeyoung didn't move, either. Finally, Yoosung carefully stepped towards Saeran, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. Although Saeran didn't really trust him, Yoosung considered him a friend since he was often around him with his occasional visits to their home. That action was a mistake however. The shaking, pale toned male slapped the younger male's hand away harshly, looking at him with cold, but obviously pained and panicked eyes.

_"Don't touch me!"_ He screamed, his hands still shaking uncontrollably along with the rest of his body. Yoosung looked more shocked after that, taking a step back when Saeran took a step forward, pushing past him and running out of the hospital room. His footsteps grew more rushed as he seeked privacy before he completely fell apart. He found a bathroom, running straight into it and collapsing onto the floor before he could even reach a stall. Strangled sobs left his throat, filled with anguish as he shook on the floor in a pathetic, pitiful heap.

Nobody chased after him, still in shocked silence.

_Don't they understand in the least? This is my damn fault. I'm a terrible person! I've shown it to them countless times even if most of it they never saw, only heard about. I don't want their stupid fucking sympathy, I don't deserve it...All I fucking want is for Saeyoung to wake up!_

_"_ P-Please, Saeyoung..."

_"Wake up..."_


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi everyone! I'm back with another chapter, this time with much less of a wait period. I hope you all enjoy it, and please remember that this story does contain potentially triggering content in relation to suicide and panic attacks. There is also some language. Thank you for reading, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter! I know it is kind of short, and I apologize...

 

The younger redhead felt hot tears spill down his cheeks as he curled up tightly into a ball on the bathroom floor. He couldn't get up, too emotionally distraught to do so. His breathing was quick, his body shaking as he sobbed loudly. The only thing he was aware of were his thoughts and the hope that nobody would enter the bathroom and find him like that.

 _I just want him to wake up, even if he hates me for the rest of his life. I'd be happy just to see him open his eyes and move on with his life, even if it didn't involve me. At least he would be alive. At least then, he would still exist...I'm sure he'll hate me, just like everyone else will for sure now. I just lash out like a fucking asshole. Saeyoung was always trying to believe that I wasn't mentally fucked up in the head. He tried to assure me that I'd be fine in no time, even when I was shouting things and throwing things. No matter what I did, he refused to give up on me, and I never deserved that kindness. Now..this is how I repayed him. Surely, he'll despise me now. I'd despise me._ His thoughts were all over the place, frantic and scattered. They were filled with confusion and self-hatred. Another cry left his mouth as his shaking frame curled tighter into itself.

\---

Yoosung's purple eyes were wide with shock and a hint of hurt. He pushed that aside, glancing around at the remaining people in the room after he'd snapped out of his surprise. The air was still silent. With a sigh, he clenched his fists slightly, closing his eyes for a moment. He opened them again, this time full of determination and concern.

"I'm going after him," he announced.

The other members only watched as he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him once again. The blonde glanced around wildly before spotting a nurse.

"Excuse me, miss!" he called out, running up to the middle aged woman. "Have you seen a redhead pass through here? He has mint colored eyes and he's taller than me." he asked.

The nurse nodded, pointing behind her. "I saw a redhead run that way. He looked really frantic." She shrugged, letting her hand fall back to her side.

"Thank you!" The blonde responded with a quick nod before hurrying off in that direction. He ran past the men's bathroom, but quickly stopped in his tracks. He whipped his head back towards the door, hearing what sounded like somebody crying. He frowned slightly, taking a few steps back before turning towards the door and entering the men's room.

Immediately, Yoosung recognized the male curled up in the white, tiled floor. He gasped slightly, seeing the emotional state he was in. His violet eyes immediately softened in concern as he approached Saeran. "Hey, are you okay...?" he asked with a soft tone of voice. 

The redhead tensed up when he heard someone enter the bathroom, flinching when he heard the voice. He didn't even recognize it as familiar, just as a threat. He didn't make out the words, closing his eyes tightly and continuing to sob. 

Yoosung sighed quietly, frowning at him and crouching down beside him. He rested a hand on his back comfortingly. "Saeran...It's okay..I'm sorry for blaming myself, if that makes you feel any better..." he said, keeping the soft tone. He didn't want to further upset the male, but he didn't really know how to comfort him either. The redhead tried to focus on the words so that he could actually understand them. He made out a bit of it, raising his head as he tried to calm his breathing and shut his thoughts out of his own head. 

"Y-Yoosung..?" he asked weakly, recognizing the blonde once he actually saw him. He could feel that it was his hand on his back and relaxed slightly, not thinking that the younger male would be one to try and hurt him. At least, not physically. 

Yoosung nodded and smiled slightly, though his eyes were still full of concern. "Its okay, Saeran...Just take deep breaths and calm down.." he nodded and kept trying to slow his breathing, but it wasn't really working out so well. He was still a mess, his thoughts running through his head relentlessly, twisting the emotions in him to the point of making his chest tighten further. Panic, confusion, fear, anger, self-hatred, guilt, and most of all, sadness were what he felt. Any person would be overwhelmed, but it was made worse when you weren't the most mentally stable person on Earth.

Yoosung kept whispering things such as "It's okay" and "Calm down." Those words didn't really help him in their meaning, but the soft tone reminded him slightly of Saeyoung, which helped him to relax. After at least another five minutes, his breathing started to slow to normal. The frantic thoughts were still there, but were less controlling of his mind. He felt completely exhausted, just staying curled up on the cold tile.

"Hey...Are you okay now...?" Yoosung asked him. He nodded, even if he wasn't really okay. He was functional again, that's all anyone needed to know. They didn't have to know about his mental and emotional state. He only trusted Saeyoung with those things, and even then, only on the rarest of occasions, when he felt he might just lose his mind if he didn't get rid of some of his intense emotions.

"Okay...Well, you should probably get off of the floor...It isn't very sanitary, and we don't need you sick, do we?" The blonde asked, laughing nervously as he stood up and held out a hand for him to take. Saeran reluctantly sat up, grabbing his hand and pulling himself off the floor in silence. He hadn't wanted to be seen that way. His expression was blank and he simply walked past him, ready to return to the room and watch over his brother the rest of the day. Yoosung only watched him leave, silently hoping that he'd be alright. He was worried for both of the twins, even if he still didn't know Saeran all that well. He hoped that both of the brothers would be alright in the end.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi everyone! I'm so sorry for the roughly three week wait for this chapter. I was suffering from a bit of a writer's block and just haven't had the best mood and motivation to write, so I apologize...! Keep in mind that this story does contain language, suicide references, etc. Alright, without further ado, onto the story~!

 

The younger redhead ignored the stares of the RFA members once he arrived back at the hospital room where his brother was. He'd calmed down enough, but he couldn't help but feel both anxious and hated because of the heavy silence. It was obvious they didn't look at him the same way anymore, but wasn't that to be expected? _Well, there goes my "friends."_ He thought bitterly, shaking his head slightly and moving to take his place in the chair on the opposite side of Saeyoung's hospital bed. The pale blue sheets were still neatly draped over him, the slow rise and fall of his chest moving it ever so slightly with each breath.

For a moment, Saeran glanced at the people in the room with him, who still looked shocked. He noticed that Yoosung had returned as well, standing a bit awkwardly by the door before whispering something in response to something that one of the members had said. He sighed softly, looking back down at the elder twin. Gently, he moved a hand and lightly brushed his bangs out from his closed eyes, feeling the rough texture of the slightly bloodstained bandages under his fingertips. The older twin's skin was oh so pale and he looked sickly, at best. It was much worse than that though. His brother was comatose. Those words kept repeating in his head, tearing him apart no matter how many times he tried to deny it.

**...**

Denial. That's what he kept doing for the first week, glued to the chair and waiting for Saeyoung to wake up, saying "It was just a prank!" and laughing. Saeran would probably force himself to laugh but burst out into angry, relieved tears and hug him tightly. Saeyoung never did open his eyes, nor sit up as if it was a joke.

The second week was rough. He cried for hours on end, collapsing from exhaustion and pure anguish every now and again. He stopped denying it, letting go of that childish hope that his brother would be waking up anytime soon. Multiple breakdowns ensued, each morning when he woke up and realized it wasn't a nightmare, and each night when he realized how alone he was. The RFA members visited when they had the chance, but gave the younger twin his space and rarely spoke to him. It was hard to have a conversation with someone who was a sobbing mess, after all.

The third week came and Saeran continued blaming himself, beating himself up internally because he thought it was his fault. It obviously was, after all. He was the one who was an asshole, an insensitive jerk. He still cried and broke down, still collapsed over and over, but the amount of times he did so seemed to decrease with each day. By the end of that week, he seemed completely lifeless. He stopped crying. There was no light in his eyes, if there even was any before. He just stared blankly, switching his gaze between the clock and his brother. He had been spending all his time in the hospital by his side, except when he needed to shower, eat, or something else necessary. He hardly even did those things though, only when he finally dragged himself out of the uncomfortable chair to do so.

Week four began with Saeran continuing to be emotionless and empty. _How much more time do I have? Should I get a job? I only have nine weeks. Nine weeks until I run out of money to support your life. It isn't even my money, its your hard earned money. I'm sorry, I'm so useless. I can't even make money to keep you alive. I can't take care of myself. I couldn't even avoid this happening when it was as simple as just being nice._ He thought, inwardly feeling so, so pained. It didn't show though.

"I fucking hate myself so fucking much. I wish I would just die," he said, just as he'd said the day before, and before, and everyday before that. He said it everyday, or at least something similar to it.

He looked down at Saeyoung. He still looked the same as he had on the first day, having not moved a single inch. The only difference was that the bandages were gone, since the wound had healed after a while. It made him feel only slightly better, since his brother looked a little more alive when there was not a thick bandage wrapped around his forehead. Still, he appeared to be barely living, with his ghostly white skin and his motionless body. _At least,_ he thought, _He looks peaceful._ Not once had the older redhead appeared to be plagued by any sort of nightmares, unlike Saeran, who suffered from them each and every time he'd accidentally fall asleep. Then again, his brain was basically dead with him being in a coma. He was deep asleep, very, very, unfortunately deep into sleep.

Saeran seemed to have given up on the fact his brother might wake up, but deep down, he still hoped desperately that he would. He tried not to hold onto those thoughts and beliefs though, because he knew it'd only hurt more when Saeyoung didn't wake up and he had to make the decision to let him go. Even if Saeran did manage to get a job, how could he possibly make enough money to support the crazy costs of life support?

Exactly, it was hopeless. Hoping was pointless, useless, and just caused him more pain than good. No matter what, Saeyoung's death was inevitable. That's what he told himself, even if it wasn't completely true. The elder twin could wake up, but he wouldn't allow himself to dwell on that fact any longer.

Saeran didn't know what was worse: the fact Saeyoung wouldn't even die peacefully since the last thing he felt was sadness from what Saeran had said to him, or the fact he'd truly be alone in this world once he did pass on. It didn't matter how many times Yoosung stopped by to try and console him, or if he continued to do so after they'd all grieved at his funeral. He never even responded to anything anyone said to him verbally. The only words he spoke were those that were to himself or to Saeyoung. It didn't matter because it didn't mean anything if Saeyoung was gone. Life would be meaningless, he would be meaningless. Everything, meaningless.

He tilted his head to the side slightly, looking at the redhead and then looking at the clock once more. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Time was running out and he planned to spend every moment he could with his brother.

Maybe, just maybe, Saeyoung would wake up and time wouldn't run out for a very long time.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi everyone! I'm back again with another chapter! Apologies if it isn't the best, still a bit low on motivation and things. Anyways, keep in mind that this story does contain language, mentions and references to suicide, breakdowns, and panic attacks. Without further ado, onto the chapter!

 

Saeran remained by his brother's bedside each and every day and night without fail. He only went home for an hour or so at a time to shower, get a change of clothes, and do anything else that was absolutely necessary. This was only every few days though. Seeing the interior and exterior of the house where his lively brother was meant to reside with him, empty, was most certainly painful. He tried to avoid it, but Yoosung came by every few days to tell him that he needed to shower and eat.

The younger redhead heard a high pitched creek and moved his gaze to the door. There, the familiar blonde was stepping inside, a soft, solemn smile on his face.

"Hey, Saeran. I didn't have too much to study tonight, so I decided to stop by..." The younger male spoke, just above a whisper. His tone was almost comforting in a way, like a mother sounded when wishing her child a "Goodnight" and "Sweet dreams" as she gently would shut the door after turning out the lights. Of course, Saeran didn't really have a proper mother figure at any time, so he hadn't made this connection. Rather, he thought it to be similar to Saeyoung when they were children. The older twin did look after him after all, so one could say he was the only parental figure that Saeran had ever had. At least, the only one who wasn't just lying to his face or abusing him.

His eyelids closed for a moment as he took a deep breath, opening them once more to look into the violet eyes that were a few feet across the room. He exhaled as a tired, sad-sounding sigh and just nodded at him. He hadn't been saying anything when others stopped by, he didn't see the point. Without Saeyoung, everything was pointless. He spent his days and nights longing for his older brother to wake up, even if he appeared numb on the outside and had lost all hope. Or, at least, that's what he believed. He still held onto a little glimmer of hope that Saeyoung would wake soon. His heart never stopped aching though, no matter how emotionless he appeared. Maybe it'd ache less if he went somewhere else, maybe it'd ache more, he didn't know. All he knew was that home wasn't home without Saeyoung there. Home never would be home again if he were to die. Home was a painful place right now, a nightmare, a ghost town. Home was empty, the floorboards covered with layers of dust. His own room was the only one who still looked inhabited, and that was only because he had to retrieve clothes from it. He would not even wash his dirtied clothes at him, instead taking them to the laundry mat to save him the pain of going _home._

"Do you have any dirty clothes? I can take them and get them washed for you. I noticed that's where you left to last time, so I thought I could help out..." The blonde male spoke up again, approaching him cautiously and in a nonthreatening manner. Still, Saeran flinched when the younger tried to put his hand on his shoulder. Yoosung pulled his hand away quickly, a look of hurt crossing his face for only a moment before he covered it with a smile.

_That's all I do. I hurt people. And they pretend that its fine. They're liars. Everyone lies. Even Saeyoung lies. I hurt people and they act like they are fine. Lies. Lies. Lies-_

"LIES!" he shouted without meaning to at all. The only words he ever uttered were his pained thoughts, usually coming out as incoherent, eerie mumbles or violent screams. Such an odd, opposing variety. It only showed how unstable he really was. Yoosung visibly jumped back a bit, still not used to the redhead's bursts of rage. Nonetheless, he never got upset about it, even if he was fearful.

_Now you're going to say that it's okay to be upset or some shit. It's not. You're a liar, Yoosung. Lies, lies, lies._

"Saeran, nobody is lying to you...relax. I know you're upset, I am too, but it'll be okay. I bet Saeyoung will wake up tomorrow with a bright smile as always!" Yoosung cheered. Saeran only scoffed in response, rolling his eyes.

_Fuck your positive thinking. Its fucking annoying and its a lie. God damn it, Yoosung, just go home!_

His thoughts were bitter and seemed to be full of hatred, but in reality the hatred was directed at the wrong people. He hated himself. Only himself. Well, he hated a few people, but for good reason. Most of all, though, he despised himself. His anger and rage, however, caused him to express it towards other people. His lips were set in a line, his eyes without shine as he looked down at the brightly lit tile under his feet. He seemed calm, with his blank expression. He seemed to be unfazed, but that was completely untrue. He'd just stopped expressing it. Eventually, he'd cried all he could cry and screamed all he could possibly scream after a few weeks.

"Look, I'll take your clothes and wash them for you, okay? Where are they?" Yoosung said, sighing since he wasn't getting a response at all. The boy looked to the side as Saeran raised his pale fingers to point to the corner of the room, where a pile of unwashed clothing laid. "Thank you. Oh, I almost forgot!" The blonde paused, reaching into his pocket and taking out a ice cream coupon that he immediately recognized was to his favorite ice cream shop that was only just down the street. Saeyoung often brought him there when he was in a bad mood or just wanted to spend time with Saeran and make him happy. The older twin always said that he liked when Saeran smiled and that he should do it more.

He reached out and slowly took the coupon, looking at Yoosung with raised, questioning eyebrows. He wasn't planning on going out, why did he even bother?

"I want to take you there when I get back, okay? You need some sunlight. And you can't say no, that'd make Saeyoung sad. I'm sure he wants to see you enjoy yourself, so at least try to, please?" Yoosung said with pleading eyes. The older male sighed loudly in annoyance, his expression remaining blank as he crossed his arms. He didn't bother to shake his head, nor nod. "I'll take that as a yes! Alright, see you later!" He said with a bright, excited smile that reached his eyes.

With that victory, the blonde ran over to the corner, taking the clothing into his arms and marched out of the room, disappearing down the busy hospital halls.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry for the lack of an update last week, I was busy and unmotivated, so I took the week off. I did say I'd aim for biweekly updates, anyway, so I'm not technically late~! Anyways, I have to stay home from school since I have the flu so I decided I'd write you guys a (hopefully) interesting and somewhat lighthearted (maybe) chapter! Anyways, I'll stop rambling. Remember that this story does contain potentially triggering content, such as suicide references, language, and panic attacks/breakdowns. Alright, without further ado, onto the chapter!A

Around an hour later, Saeran heard footsteps quickly moving towards his brother's hospital room of which he sat in silence. Only a moment later, a familiar blonde head popped through the door. He stepped inside with a bright smile, clean clothes stacked and folded in his arms.

"Saeran, I'm back! I washed your clothes for you!" he spoke, breaking the silence as he carefully placed the clothes stack on the small table that was on the other side of Saeyoung's hospital bed. His yellow and brown striped frames were also sitting there, untouched and lightly dusted from the last few weeks of neglect. Saeran's mint-colored eyes followed the blonde as he approached him. He didn't open his mouth to speak, instead leaving his lips pressed into a thin line. The ice cream coupon was still pressed tightly into his palm, pale fingers closed around it and clutching it.

Yoosung's mouth dipped into a frown when he didn't even get a reaction out of the younger twin. It was to be expected at this point, but it still left the younger male a bit disappointed. That was why he was hoping to at least get the other male to smile today.

"Hey, are you ready to go get ice cream now? You can't say no," Yoosung said, adding the last part as a reminder that he wasn't going to give up until Saeran agreed to the short outing. He stood in front of Saeran now, feet planted stubbornly on the floor as he looked down at the male, who still sat, slumped over in the chair.

Saeran's eyes fell to the floor, a look of distance held in them. Weakly, he moved his shoulders in what could just barely be perceived as a shrug.

Yoosung moved one of his hands to the other's shoulder. "C'mon, I promise it will be fun. I know that you're hurting, but at least try to enjoy yourself and see if it helps you any. Just this once. If it doesn't, you can come back here. I'll understand that you're grieving."

_That's just it, Yoosung. I have no desire for anything. I have no wants, no needs. The only thing that I wish for is for Saeyoung to wake up, and if that does not happen, then everything is pointless. My life is pointless, my goals, my hobbies. All of it. Pointless._

Saeran looked back up at the violet-eyed male and sent a harsh glare up to him, but reluctantly stood up. Maybe if he went, he could be left alone from now on. He would greatly appreciate it if that were the case. Slowly, he walked past the blonde and over to the door without a single sound.

"Oh, where are you going? Are you ready to leave, Saeran?" Yoosung asked, turning around and looking after him as he walked towards the room's entrance. He doubted that he would actually get an answer from him, but felt a small smile make its way onto his face. "Okay! I'm coming too!" he said, following after the older man with quick, rushed footsteps full of excitement.

"Saeran, I can order your ice cream if you want me to," Yoosung offered, knowing that the other male had barely said a word as of late. He doubted he would speak just to order an ice cream. Saeran gave a slight nod in response.

"Okay, give me your coupon, then! What flavor do you want me to order?" he asked, receiving only a shrug and silence in response. Saeran was sitting in one of the booths beside the window, of which Yoosung stood in front of. He slipped the coupon onto the table with a movement that didn't even make a sound. "Ah, okay, then! I'll just pick one for you." he said softly, running off to get the ice cream, coupon in hand.

Saeran sighed, continuing to stare out the window. Rain droplets slid down the window, as if the window was crying, too. The two twins had been going to this ice cream parlor at least once a week in the last few months. It only brought back once happy memories turned painful. He felt trapped, as if the past were haunting him. And it was.

_"Saeran! Here, I bought you your favorite flavor, mint chocolate chip!" The elder redhead said, holding out the cone for him to take. A wide grin was spread across his face and it only widened more when the younger twin took the cone and licked it. Saeyoung took a seat in front of Saeran, in the window booth. Sun was shining brightly outside and the two were decently happy, even if Saeran wouldn't admit it._

_"See? Its good, right?"_

Saeyoung took Saeran to the ice cream shop anytime he was upset or just wanted to make him smile. They always sat in that booth, every time. A small tear slipped down Saeran's cheek, the only one shed in days. Quickly, he wiped it away just as the blonde returned with a large ice cream cone in his hand.

"Here you go!" he said with a bright smile. Reluctantly, Saeran took the cold treat and began licking it. Yoosung seemed satisfied with this, taking a seat in front of him and resting his elbows on the table, hands placed under his face and elevating it. He looked pretty carefree. Saeran didn't understand it. Saeyoung was supposed to be the blonde's best friend, so shouldn't he be heartbroken?

Maybe he was just really positive. Or maybe it was all a facade. Fake. Whatever, it didn't matter, anyways. He only had one concern, and that was Saeyoung.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi everyone! I'm back again! I'd like to, once again, apologize for the lack of updates. I believe its been around two weeks now and I'm sorry for the wait! Anyways, please keep in mind that this story does contain swearing, suicide references, panic attacks, etc, so if you are uncomfortable with any of those subjects, please keep in mind they are a part of this story! Without further ado, onto the chapter! I hope you all enjoy! Honestly, this chapter is slightly like filler, but it is still necessary to the story, although not super eventful. I wanted to take one last dive into the thoughts and feelings of Saeran.
> 
> P.S. The story will likely be concluding soon. I wonder what kind of ending it will be ;0
> 
> Will it be...Good? Bad? Terrible? Why don't you guess?

Another day passed. Then, another, and another, until a week had gone by. He hadn't gone out again after his forced, agonizing trip to the ice cream shop. He longed to enjoy ice cream with his brother again, at least once more. Unfortunately, the elder redhead was still unconscious in front of the smaller twin. His breathing was still steady, gently lifting the sheets up with each rise of his chest. He really did look quite peaceful, as had he the last several weeks.

It was hard to believe that he only had a week left. Sure, he looked pale. He was much scrawnier, and probably weaker, than he had been approximately two months prior to that date. His thick red hair stuck to his head, smeared with globs of grease from days without having so much as a short shower. Nonetheless, Saeran would still find himself running gentle, pale fingers through it, as if seeking a way to comfort them both. His expression appeared to remain emotionless, but his eyes carried the kind of sadness you'd see at a funeral. They carried stress, pain, anger, and guilt. They carried so much, that it almost made the younger redhead appear older, wiser, even. That's how the traumatized often appeared to others. Wise.

Yet, Saeyoung didn't look like he was dying. Well, dead, practically. At least, almost completely brain dead. There had been little brain activity at all over the course of those weeks. The doctors had already lost hope in the young genius' survival.

Comatose people don't live long without life support. Saeran only had the money for one more week. One more week with his brother, that was it. It'd be over soon. He'd be alone. Completely and utterly alone. Well, there was always Yoosung.

That thought didn't ease his pain at all. His eyes remained dull, without even the smallest glimmer or shine. Dead, his eyes appeared. His own red bangs stuck to his forehead. It'd been at least a week since he had showered.  _I'll have to force myself to get up and do it at some point._ He thought bitterly. The younger male only wanted to spend as much time as he could with Saeyoung, even if it was hardly something to be considered "fun." It was all he could do to try and forgive himself. Maybe Saeyoung would forgive him in whatever the next life was. Didn't he believe in God or something like that? If there really was an after life, maybe he wouldn't be alone someday.

Or, maybe, that time could come much more sooner than life had planned for him.  _It would only take one shot. A few pills, maybe. Death is so easy to achieve, yet so hard to avoid. The unexpected can happen and rip a life from a happy person, yet the sad are left to wander._ He thought, glancing down at his hand. He could practically see the shiny silver metal of a gun in his hand. He blinked once, shaking the thoughts away and the image with them. He wouldn't do something like that. At least, until there was absolutely no hope left and his brother was gone, he wouldn't.

He wondered if he himself still even had any hope for his brother's life. It'd be some miracle if he did wake up before time ran out. There really wasn't much hope at all, and it only pained him more to believe there was. So he didn't. Why hope for something that had almost not a single chance of happening? No, why hope for anything at all, if it even has a chance of disappointing you? Disappointment hurts. It stings, it aches. The more intense, the more it hurts. The more it hurts, the more tears shed. And the more you cry, the weaker you become.

Saeran didn't want to be weak. He was already weak, from the moment he was born. Always the weaker twin. His mother hated him more, and Jihyun never gave him an opportunity to leave that hellhole. Rika acted like she cared for him, but she just manipulated him and used him. The RFA pretended to like him, but they probably feared and despised him as well. They didn't speak to him anymore when they visited. At least, nobody other than Yoosung did. Was it all just favoritism? If so, he probably deserved it since he was so, so worthless. He was just an asshole who basically indirectly slaughtered his brother. His words were cruel, harsher than most physical wounds. It was all just a facade to protect himself. That's because he was weak.

He deserved this. He deserved to be alone. He brought this upon himself.

He killed Saeyoung.

His brother would be dead soon, only because of a few words that left his lips. Except, he said those sort of things everyday.

Maybe Saeyoung had tried to die on purpose. The thought had crossed his mind many, many times. He'd probably never know the truth, yet he still blamed himself. It was his fault. He was a murderer, and that is why he deserved to be alone. Wherever Saeyoung was going, how could he possibly follow? He was pure evil. He didn't even believe in a God, probably never would. Alas, he'd still remain alone. The thought of having a gun in his hands next week didn't seem so appealing now.

He chuckled darkly to himself. "It is all my fault. Saeyoung will be dead because I killed him..!" he whispered. "I did this to you, Saeyoung? Hear that? I did it. I did it. I did it. Yes, your own brother is pure evil, see? You shouldn't have saved me from that wretched 'Savior.' Look where that got you. Now you're going to  _die._  Saeyoung is dead, Saeyoung is dead~!" he chanted as if it were a happy children's song.

Had he finally lost it? He laughed, and laughed until his lungs ran out of air and he had to take a deep breath. Then, his eyes started burning as tears spilled out of them, like water out of an overfilled bucket. Choked sobs left his throat as he fell out of the chair collapsing onto the floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them, much like a fetal position. Bottled up emotions from the last few emotionless weeks left his body all at once in the mixture of dark laughter, choked sobs, and anguished cries.

Saeyoung would be dead soon, and he knew it. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello everyone, I am so sorry for the delay on this chapter. I have had a lot going on in my real life and just needed to take a brief break. I will try to finish up the story soon, and may start another one! 1 or 2 chapters remain after this one, most likely, I’m not sure. As always, this story may contain potentially triggering content such as swear words, suicide references, panic attacks, etc. With that, onto the chapter! Also, I lowkey accidentally changed to first person point of view for this chapter, whoops-

Today was the day. Saeyoung had shown no signs of waking up during a single one of these endless days. He never even moved, not once. His pinky finger hadn’t even moved a single centimeter. When they did brain scans every little while, barely any activity showed. He was alive, but remained in a vegetative, unconscious state.

I, on the other hand, had lost all hope. At least, that’s what I thought. It all felt hopeless, but also surreal, in an odd way. I supposed that I was still in denial: a rational explanation. It made sense. I think I’ve heard something like this before. Like… The stages of grief, or something. I thought. I never had even had it pass through my mind that I would feel grief. I had only ever been betrayed by people, and although it deeply hurt, I had never considered it to be grieving, really. Grieving was for the dead, right? The only person I still cared about, though I’d refused to admit it before, was Saeyoung. That idiot... He truly meant the world to me.

Yet, here we were. My beloved brother, lying on his death bed. This was the last hour, and it was all I could do to hold back my sobs. Deep down, I was crying endlessly. It was like a storm of emotions, pain, tears, and mourning. The only person who ever cared, was going to die. They were going to take him off of life support in a mere hour. Pull the plug, they say. Almost sounds lighthearted. I thought bitterly. I had failed to find the will in myself to get a job. Besides, wasn’t I just delaying the inevitable? All find themselves dead eventually, nothing made my brother any different, unfortunately. Even if his death was sooner than meant to be, even if it was my fault, nothing could change that fact. Besides, he was basically dead already, right?

Beep…Beep…Beep.

I turned my head, greasy red bangs not even moving from their place stuck to his forehead, even with the abrupt, quick movement. The beeping of the heart monitor had quickened, after having kept the same exact rhythm for weeks, days. My eyes widened, pupils growing a bit smaller as I then turned my head to look at my brother. Was he going to suddenly wake up now, after I’d presumed he’d die? Of course he’d do that, being the cruel prankster he was. Idiot.

I kept my gaze trained on his face. Nothing. No movement. I heard swift footsteps clicking down the hall, rushed, hurried. They must’ve known, too. Was he really waking? No, I must have been dreaming. Dreams don’t come true. They never do. When had they? Such selfish beliefs were sure to fail. They always had, right?

Before I could actually see if he opened his eyes or not, the doctors rushed in. There were three of them, to be exact, dressed in white as usual.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, this may be our only chance for Mr. Choi’s survival.” One older doctor explained.

I clenched my teeth, shaking my head profusely. “He’s my fucking brother, are you crazy?!” I shouted in desperation. This was meant to be the last hour of his life, and even if he did wake up, I didn’t plan to miss it.

“Sir, please, don’t talk us.” The doctor said calmly, a sweatdrop rolling down his forehead. “Get out of here quickly now, or else he may not survive. You have to understand.”

With that, I took a deep breath and reluctantly walks out of the room, casting one last glance at the other redhead before the door was shut behind me. I bit my lip, sitting down on a waiting room chair and tapping my foot anxiously.

 

It was a half hour before the door opened again. The doctor who had spoken to me before stepped out, gesturing for me to come over. I stood up, and as I passed him, I heard only two words.

“He’s awake.” Utter joy and hopefulness washed over me. I couldn’t help but wonder if there was a God, like my brother had always said. Surely, this classified as a miracle. If it didn’t, I didn’t know what did. My brother had cheated death. That was all there was to it.

I locked eyes with the golden eyes across the room, immediately rushing over. I touched his hand, feeling that it was real, warm. He was alive. He said nothing at first, apparently uninformed of the situation, it seemed. I then wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, giving him the tightest hug I ever had.

His flesh was still pale and sickly, and he looked quite frail. He felt, but I didn’t care. My brother was alive. That’s all that mattered. I felt his arms slowly encircle around my own neglected and fragile body, hugging me back.

“Hey, what’s wrong, little bro? Cat got your tongue?” he asked, as jokingly as always. They must’ve given him a glass of water already.

“You idiot!” I yelled, tears forming in my eyes. “Y-You scared me…” I whispered, voice breaking as tears began to pour down my cheeks. “T-Today, they were going to take you off of life support. T-They were going to pull the plug around n-now because you’ve been in a c-coma for weeks and… a-and..” I explained. “I-I’m so sorry!” I cried, my walls completely let down. I didn’t care if anyone saw me. I was just glad to have him back, even if I knew I didn’t deserve him.

He rubbed gentle circle into my back as if to calm me down, careful not to interrupt until I’d finished. He only spoke then, in a gentle, caring, and loving tone, just above a whisper. How was he such a perfect brother? It still bewildered me. “It’s okay, Saeran. I’m sorry that I put you through so much, it sounds like it was hard. I promise I’d never leave you again, not until the day I die, and my time is not today.”

I couldn’t help but smile slightly at that, still bawling my eyes out like a baby. Still, I didn’t care. “Thank much..” I breathed.

“Hey, it’s my choice. No problem.” He paused. “Hey, Saeran?”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t feel my legs.”

 


	15. Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

After Saeyoung had announced the lack of feeling in his legs, the doctors rushed into the room again. Saeran was pushed in a gentle manner to the side to give them space, but wasn't forced out of the room. He only bit his lip and hoped for good news, hands clenched into fists by his sides. 

After a few tests, pokes, and prods, a short discussion between the doctors occurred in a gentle whisper. He couldn't understand their words. 

It was a few minutes later before all but one of them cleared out. He glanced between both the older and younger twin, releasing a gentle sigh. "Mr. Choi appears to be completely paralyzed from the waist down. It sounds strange, I know, but I assure you, it is possible. Concussion inflammation can sometimes effect parts of the brain when too extreme, and cause problems to their mental, motor, speech, or other skills..." he paused his explanation, as to let them take the news in. 

Saeyoung's golden eyes drew downwards, a conflicted look on his face. Saeran's lips formed into a thin frown, mint colored hues full of a chaotic blend of emotions that were stemmed off guilt. 

A deep breath left his lips as an exhale, eyes averted as he began to speak. "Saeyoung.. I.. " he paused for a moment, biting back his pride. ".. I'm so sorry... This is my fault. You nearly died, got paralyzed, and all of this just because I couldn't shut my mouth. I'm sorry... I know I don't deserve anything. I'm scum, aren't I?" 

A bitter smile forced its way onto his face as he looked at the other. "I know, you probably hate me. I promise I'll be better for you, okay? Or I can just leave... It's up to you, Saeyoung.. " his voice trailed off into silence, his forced smile leaving his face as he awaited the older twin's response. 

The redhead shook his head at them, sighing before smiling brightly. "I completely forgive you, Sae-Sae!" he spoke cheerfully. "Even if it sucks, and I'm sorry that you were forced to hurt as well, it's neither your fault nor mine. Everyone makes mistakes, after all, you know?" he paused for a moment. "Besides, I don't think having you push me around in a wheelchair would be so bad! We'd always get to spend time together..." he chuckled softly, reaching as far as he could to ruffle the younger's bright red hair. 

".. So, it's settled then. Anything to make up for my mistakes.. " he shook his head lightly, rolling his eyes and smiling slightly. 

\---

In the end, things turned out sort of okay for them. They were both alive, and though the outcome wasn't the best, they could both still smile during each day. 

"Saeran! Faster~" The older twin laughed as his wheelchair sped down a grassy hill, pushed by his brother.

"Idiot, you'll fall out and get hurt. This is as fast as we go, Saeyoung." he rolled his eyes, pushing him across the path once they'd reached the bottom. 

"I'll get you icecream if you do~" The older offered, trying to convince him. 

"No. You'll buy me some anyway, because you love me." he said sternly to the other. "I'm not letting you get hurt again... " he sighed. 

"What a worry wart. Fine." Saeyoung chuckled, before pointing forward with a wide grin overtaking his face. "Onward! God Seven's Castle awaits!!!" he cheered.

"You mean the bunker where you stay all day like a vampire."

"I'm getting sunlight right now, aren't I?"

"Only because I pushed you out here."

"Because you love me~"

"No—"

"You do!" The older twin pouted. 

"Fine... Idiot, I love you. Happy now?"

"Yay! I love you too, Sae-Sae!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's get you inside..."

Maybe happy endings could happen, after all.


End file.
